Quiet_ness

It is so good to be encouraged by girls who are spiritually struggling and those who have grown. I am so amazed and grateful that I've begun to see how spiritually mature the Hmong Christian girls my age have become. Just seeing how things have come with some Christian girls, I doubted that there will be a day of revival for Christian women, especially in the Hmong community. Now, they have captured a real sense of what it means to hold a personal, daily, and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. They have sought to look for treasures that only heaven can create and give. They have found beauty within. They have learned to desire what God wants for them and value His blessings.

I pray that as we get tempted by our emotions, let us not forget that God loves us and we are His daughters. He selected us to comfort one another, to teach those who vulnerable, and to lead the next generation of women to follow a heart after God.

Quiet_ness

It's been over a month since I've arrived from my trip overseas. I admit that I was a bit nervous once I got there because this whole experience was new to me. Our flight was nonstop and about 13 hours from here to there, although we basically had 30 hours of traveling (if that made sense). On the plane, I was super excited that I just wish I was there already.

When we got to the city, it was 2am so we stayed at the hotel. It was so humid in the night. It was like magically walking into a rain forest. We all were pretty much jet lagged, but we got up early for the beginning of our summer together. It took me about a week to get over jet lag, but I was also missing home, which was one of the struggles I come to face. Everything there made me a bit nervous about what I was getting myself into. There were dozens of mosquitoes, cockroaches, spiders, and dirt that made me miss the things in America that made it a lot easier for me. For example, a clean and cushioned bed, good air to breathe, and the faith that the food I'm eating is made fresh. I missed home.

For the first week, we did not make any friends yet until one rainy day, we decided to try the school cafeteria. Our team walked in and immediately, we got the stare. Because I looked like them, they pretty much thought my friend and I were our Meskas friends' tour guides. It took us about 15 minutes, looking lost and waiting in some disoriented circle that a student helped us get our meal. She was so friendly to us that we asked for her to come sit with us. That is when our network of friends expand.

During my time over there, I faced loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. My Meskas friends were the center of attention because of their skin color. When we walked as a team, people would come and talk to them. Their physical appearance drew people to them, although, they had their difficulties with it. I was not jealous or didn't feel left out, but that sense of loneliness made me feel so empty. I kept that to myself for a couple of days until one night I couldn't take it anymore. I prayed to God asking him the reason why no one liked me, was I not good enough, and what am I doing here? I asked him to bring people to me. I didn't want it to be like this the whole summer. I, then, cried myself to sleep. The next day, He heard my cry and I opened up to my team about my struggle. One of the girls shared a story with me about a summer of her's ago. There was a girl on her team that looked like a national too. They were on a campus where it was dangerous for this old woman to be with a foreigner because she believed. Security warned her that she can not be seen with a foreigner because to them, any American was most likely seen as a Christian. She said that her friend got to hang out with the old woman and spent a lot of times with her that it made them jealous. She reminded me that God is going to use that in me, maybe not in the same situation but a way that He saw fitted. And of course, it did happen.

A little while into the summer, we had our own personal friends that we met and talked most often on campus. It was not safe on campus, because before we arrived, there were some complications. There was cult on campus and actively in the English department that restricted the opportunity to meet more people and to share. We were told that we couldn't be as bold and were reminded that people were watching. When we got the memo, my first reaction was that I was scared. I would stumble on words and always looking over my shoulders when I'm talking with friends. That was my concern for a while, but God took it away without me realizing that it wasn't the reason He brought me there. My heart was not where he wanted me to be. He showed me how my walk looked like which was pretty ugly. Ah, it was refreshing. Sometimes you see a Christian and man, they look so spiritually strong praising God and coming to church, but take a look in their spiritual commitment with Christ. They do not look like who they claim to be. That was me. When you think he has it all together for you including ministry, he reveals something surprising. God is so good.

We got to visit two nearby cities while we were there. One was more in the countryside and the other was very much a well-developed city. I saw rice fields and water buffaloes. Everything was a first to me. One exciting thing that happened in one of the cities was that we met some of our sisters in Christ. They were so encouraging. How they worship and their faith was so empowering to see! We did praise and worship and prayed for the journeys Father has laid out for all of us. Before we went to the city, we were discouraged because we felt like our work has been useless. Nothing was happening to our friends. They weren't spiritually searching. We didn't know where it was going and how we should take on, but our sisters really lifted us up. In the midst of all the troubles they had, God was protecting them. A few weeks before we got there, the police had come to their home and told them to stop having their "meetings." There were four of them, and they were so afraid that they decided to move out that week. They had trouble finding a place to live, but God blessed them with a man who saw their distress and offered them a place to live in his apartment building. He provided all the furnitures in the room, and so, they only had clothes to bring. While listening to their story, I was so touched. God does know what He is doing and sometimes, we just need to be reminded in this world of confusion.

Our time over there was hard. None of our friends turned not interested, only a few were curious. We expected that at the end of our summer, God was going to transform our friends to believe. As a Christian, it's hard for us to face that reality when in ministry. We want people to believe, but if it isn't in His time yet, we should not hope for that so much. Jesus's love will shine and that is what we can do which is show His love to others. One day I was walking on the street and I saw a man reaching high to fill his water bottle with water from a traffic stand's air conditioner unit. It was a very hot day, and this man was so thirsty trying to fill his bottle. The sun was beaming at him that my heart just broke. I gave him the cold water bottle that I always had with me to him. We didn't talk, but love was in me to show it to him.

Ever since I got back from my trip, I realize that I can't stop talking about it. Everything that comes at me I relate it back to my trip. For example, if I see something on TV that I saw similar over there, I'll talk about it. If I'm with my international friends and I see them do something that I see the people over there do, I'll point it out. My experience over there was fantastic! I learned a lot about myself and saw that God is working there even before we arrived. When we were in Beijing to debrief, we had a meeting and someone asked us if we would do it again and do you know what I said? YES!

Please check out some of my pictures in the gallery.

I was looking at some pictures of people and it made me want to look at mines. During my first year, I lost a lot of weight. They say when you're fresh out of high school and enter college, your body starts changing and you tend to eat a lot more. For me, that wasn't the case. I actually lose some pounds. Not to be conceited or whatever, but I thought I looked good. It was like the perfect size for me. I like my long hair here though. Too bad I cut it shorter and now, it is trying to grow. No more cutting my pretty, long, straight, hair. Take a look:

I think a couple of months after or probably during the summer, I gained some pounds back. I think I got too excited about my size and ate more. Plus, my friends had dinners and outings so many times. With working at a grocery store and donuts during break time, it didn't help. Ugh. Now take a look afterwards with me in the same shirt:

Here is the skinny plain o' me:

Here is me now:

It's time for me to cut back on food, and I've been trying to as well. A once-a-day meal plan is my diet. As you can see, my double chin is revealing and my face gotten fuller. With the situation I am in right now, I think that may have to hold up till after my trip, but we will see. My friend came down to see me and it was quite fun even though I shouldn't have. We ate a WHOLE lot too. I'm hoping to finish my term paper today. Ai yah.

Being a girl, do you always wonder where you will be located when you are married? For some reason, I've been thinking about this to myself. I have a feeling that I may be living in Wisconsin. It seems like I've been getting signs from this place these last couple of months. You see, there are these two guys (who are for some reason, interested in me) that live there along with some really nice guys whom I would befriend with that are from there too. I've always believe that love starts with a friendship. Maybe I'll end up with one of these guys rather then the other two, but then again, maybe I'll end of with one of the two guys that are interested in me. Either way, I'll be marrying a Wisconsinian. Oh my! Why am thinking about marriage already?

 I really don't know you that much to let yourself into my life and I hope you understand that. You told me that I've changed you, but you won't say a thing about it. I asked if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but you avoided the question. I said that you're stubborn, but you said I'm stubborn because I won't give you my number and my picture. I've already told you my reasons of this, but you keep insisting. I know that you really are trying to impress me and pushing your every effort, but it just won't work.

 There are so much differences between the both of us. You live in an atmosphere that is totally different from mine. I am a Christian and you still follow the old traditions. I cherish my faith a lot and will never leave Christ and my Father behind. They've done so much for me that it has helped me to become who I am today. I don't think you understand me this much at all. You don't mind this difference in beliefs at all, but I do. If things get serious, I would, eventually, get weakened in my faith. My faith means a lot to me.

 You even don't say much and it is usually I who is the one who starts the conversation. You and I don't even know each other that much. Heck, I don't even know your real name. What is it that makes me so special that you have to like me? Do you not know that online dating will never work for me? I want a love story that happens at the works of nature. Online interaction is nothing but networking at the end of it.

 Another thing is that you are just not my type. You will make someone really happy, but that person is not me. You said that the person in the picture I showed you is going to be your future wife. You really have a lot of hope in me, but you do not provide the kind of happeniess I seek for. The most important feature I want in a man is one who fears the Lord. I feel that this is important for my future with my husband. When a man fears the Lord, he will respect a woman and will love her unconditionally. There are so much that derives from a man of God and that man who fears Him. You may say that you'll convert, but you are doing it for the wrong reasons. That I don't want to be responsible for. God is amazing, but you can not come to Him because me. You need to search Him willingly and whole-heartedly on your own.

 Even though you may not ever see this, but from the bottom of my heart, I am very sorry that I won't be able to accept you the way you wish it to be. When I come online and within that couple of seconds, you already approach me. That makes me smile, because you have changed. I remember it was I who would greet you first. Lately, it has been you and thank you for the considering me that important to top your list.

 You told me that you have some things to tell me, but you will wait for another day. I already know what it is by the way you were acting. Honestly, I don't want to know because if I do, I would feel so bad for destroying your dreams. I'm not the kind of person who likes to see people's worlds fall apart because of me. I'm the kind of person who lets others have their happiness before mine. Once again, I apologize for hiding this from you, but I find that this is the only way that I'll be able to sort my feelings out. I hope that one day you will understand why I'm doing this to you.

 I am really sorry.